


to be made of porcelain

by sodun



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 17:10:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10723632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sodun/pseuds/sodun
Summary: “I haven’t eaten in two days,” Alex whispers to Justin’s sleeping form one night.It feels good to tell someone, even if Justin can’t hear him.





	to be made of porcelain

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the poem 'skinny girls bleed flowers' by savannah brown, its not totally related but it kind of is and that poem is beautiful definitely give it a listen
> 
> i always headcanon alex to have an eating disorder so i wrote it  
> follows the same timeline as the show i think

Alex’s parents don’t notice that he avoids meals, or maybe they don’t care. When he skips dinner for the third night in a row, mumbling some excuse about going to working on a project with a friend, his father tells him he needs to put some meat on his bones, but that’s as far as his concern goes. Alex’s mother is almost never home, so he doesn’t expect her to notice.

The blond can’t pinpoint exactly when it started, but he does know why. He thinks about it every time he forces himself to eat something in the morning, just so he doesn’t pass out at school. Every time he thinks about eating, about giving in, he reminds himself why he stopped, and suddenly he’s not hungry anymore.

Guilt fills his stomach instead, and it stops rumbling.

 

When Jessica notices, he tells her his stomach’s been acting up. She buys it, tells him he should see a doctor, all concerned eyes and furrowed eyebrows. 

Alex tells her he will. The look on Jessica’s face tells him she knows he won’t.

 

Alex thinks about dying a lot. Most of the time, he hopes he’ll just have a heart attack, or be killed in some fatal accident. Some nights, he takes one of his dad’s guns out of the armoire in the basement. He sits on his bed, turns it over in his hands. After making sure it’s loaded, he puts it against his temple, but he never pulls the trigger. His finger trembles, ready for his brain to tell it to squeeze, but it never does.

He returns the gun and goes back to thinking about the likelihood of an accidental house fire. 

 

Justin Foley calls him one night, drunk on Bryce’s parents alcohol, to tell Alex that he’s pretty. Alex rolls his eyes and tells Justin to fuck off, but can’t ignore the butterflies that flutter around inside of him. They feel so much better than the dull ache that comes with a perpetually empty stomach.

 

One afternoon, Alex notices Zach Dempsey watching him from across the table in the cafeteria. His eyes are soft and concerned, he’s frowning a little, and Alex excuses himself. He tries to think about something other than the feeling of Zach’s eyes on his back as he leaves the room.

 

If Alex ever caves, gives into temptation and eats something, he listens to the recording of his tape that he took on his phone. It’s quiet, and the quality is low, but he can hear Hannah’s voice reminding him that he killed her. 

He’s not sure if it’s because of the food he ate or the guilt he feels, but he throws up.

 

When Alex is called in to see Mr. Porter because another student is concerned about him, he knows it was Zach. He tells Mr. Porter he’s fine, just not sleeping well. Despite the very obvious look of disbelief the guidance counsellor sends him, he lets Alex go.

Alex stops going to the cafeteria at lunch.

 

There is nothing romantic about how his relationship with Justin Foley starts. 

Alex gets high with him for the first time in his life, and they end up making out on the couch in Bryce’s pool house. They fall asleep curled up together, Alex tucked under Justin’s arm, and when they wake up like that, Justin holds him tighter, tells him not to leave.

When Alex’s heart starts racing, he hopes, for the first time, that it isn’t a heart attack.

 

For the most part, they keep their relationship to themselves. They don’t go on dates or kiss in the halls. Sometimes, when they pass each other on their way to class, Justin can’t help but reach out, touch Alex’s bicep as he passes. Alex smiles at him, and they continue on.

They save the affection for the nights when Alex’s parents are working and Justin stays over. Some nights they’ll cuddle up in Alex’s bed and talk with some movie on as background noise until they can’t keep their eyes open anymore. Other nights are filled with deep kisses and fumbling hands that are desperate to please and always do. 

Alex welcomes the distraction from the urge to stare down the barrel of a loaded gun.

 

Alex replaces his recording of his tape with a voicemail Justin left him. When he wants to eat, he listens to it, and the butterflies he gets when Justin tells him he’s perfect make him forget all about his hunger. 

Justin thinks Alex is beautiful like this. Alex doesn’t want to change.

 

Alex’s mom asks him how much he weighs one morning. The question startles him a little, and his heart speeds up. She eyes him curiously, waiting for an answer.

He tells her he weighs one hundred thirty-five pounds, knows that’s the highest he can tell her without her knowing he’s lying.

She nods once and leaves for work.

 

When Justin tells his friends, the ones Alex pretends to like, about their relationship, they don’t mind. Alex is surprised that a group of teenage boys aren’t phased by being friends with a gay couple, but he’s happy all the same.

Until Justin wants him to start eating lunch with them again.

 

Gradually, the not-eating thing stops being a punishment for killing Hannah, and becomes about being skinny. He knows it’ll be noticeable if he starts to eat again, he’s so thin now that any weight gain will be obvious, so he keeps avoiding food like it’s poison.

As he stares at his naked torso in the bathroom mirror before he goes for a shower, he runs his fingers over his ribcage, presses into the space between each bone, and he smiles.

 

Justin holds Alex’s hand the first time they walk into the cafeteria together, and he feels Alex’s pulsepoint throb against his own, too hard and too fast.

“Something wrong?” He whispers into his boyfriend’s ear.

Alex shakes his head, swallows hard. “Just nervous,” he murmurs.

It’s true, but not for the reasons Justin thinks.

 

Zach Dempsey takes one look at Alex and his face falls. When no one else is paying attention, he tells Alex that he doesn’t look too good, that he’s concerned.

Alex smiles weakly in response. “I’m fine,” he assures him quietly, “just, you know- my stomach thing.”

Zach doesn’t look convinced, but he’s pulled into conversation by Montgomery. Alex lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and leans into Justin.

 

“I haven’t eaten in two days,” Alex whispers to Justin’s sleeping form one night.

It feels good to tell someone, even if Justin can’t hear him. 

 

Alex finds a pamphlet with ‘Your Child and Eating Disorders’ in bold letters and a picture of a mother and son talking on the front on the table, along with some bills and his mother’s pay stub. Tears burn his eyes and he rips the paper in half before he can stop himself.

He takes a deep breath, throws the pamphlet in the garbage, and leaves for school without forcing himself to eat.

 

Justin asks him to eat something for him one night, when Alex’s parents are gone and he doesn’t want to go home.

Alex shakes his head, grabs a bottle of water out of the fridge and tells him he’s not hungry.

He feels Justin press against him from behind, wrapping his arms around Alex’s middle. “Lex, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat,” he says, his hands slipping under the hem of Alex’s shirt, thumbs rubbing the dip under his hipbones, “you’re so skinny. I’m worried.”

Alex swallows hard, setting the bottle of water down. “I’m fine, Justin. Really. I’ll eat if you want me to, but it’s- I’m fine,” he sighs, stepping away from Justin.

“Please,” Justin whispers, looking at Alex with scared eyes.

Alex spreads some peanut butter on a piece of bread. His hands tremble as he bites into it, and he chews for much longer than he should. As he eats, thoughts of Hannah saying it started with him and Justin calling him pretty fill his mind.

He gets through half of the bread before he rushes to the bathroom to vomit.

 

Justin tries to tell Alex to get help from someone, to talk to Mr. Porter or even the school nurse, but Alex says no. He tells Justin it’s no big deal, that he could eat if he wanted to.

Justin asks why he doesn’t, but Alex won’t give him an answer.

 

Alex faints at school one morning when Justin is walking him to class. He’s lucky that Justin is there to catch him so he doesn’t fall to the floor and hurt himself.

He wakes up a few seconds later with blurred vision and he doesn’t know where he is. Justin tells him they’re going to the nurse.

Alex tries to say no, to struggle out of Justin’s grip, but Justin is adamant and eventually Alex doesn’t have the energy to fight him anymore.

 

The nurse calls his mom, who’s at work. She tells Mrs. Standall that it’s important, and she needs to come to the school immediately.

When Alex’s mom gets there, the nurse tells her Alex weighs 109.6 pounds and asks if she noticed Alex _starving himself_. The phrase makes Alex cringe.

His mom says no, but Justin chimes in, says he has noticed it. Alex glares at him weakly, but Justin just pats his knee.

 

That evening, Alex’s mom makes him an appointment with their family doctor and won’t let Alex leave the table until he eats something. His dad watches him, disappointment clear in his face each time he struggles to swallow a bite. 

He feels sick, knows he’s probably going to vomit, but his mom watches him, won’t let him go upstairs. She tells him he needs to keep it down, and he tries, but after not too long he’s throwing up in the toilet. He hears his dad saying something about how only girls starve themselves, and is tempted to smash his skull against the porcelain toilet bowl.

 

Alex’s dad goes out for his night shift at around eight thirty, and his mom falls asleep on the couch watching some soap opera. Alex sneaks down to the basement and grabs a revolver from the armoire.

He sits on his bed and tells himself he can do it. He doesn’t write a note, leave tapes, none of that. Instead, he sends a text to Justin, just a simple ‘i love you’.

After unloading and reloading the gun twice, Alex finally puts it against his temple.

This time, he doesn’t think twice about pulling the trigger.


End file.
